The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors with Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke – Plumbers Majestic

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors with Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

A lot of these arenas are now starting to go green. So they’re taking away the light switches and they’re replacing ’em with sensors. Sensors are cool when they work. Know what I mean? You’re ten feet away, it senses you, and the whole room just– What I don’t like is when they’re messed up, you have to walk into a dark-ass room and establish your presence. But then you stand still for four seconds. “[ __ ]!” In addition, backstage my sink has knobs on it. I have control of the temperature and pressure of the water, which in the Chicago area, I believe, is very important, especially in the winter. Oh, man, you guys are no joke in the winter. You need warm water when you wash your hands. You can’t rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water, ’cause you wash your hands with cold water, your hands get all cryptic.

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

You go outside, people are making fun of you. “Lookit. ‘Thriller.’” My dressing room, you guys, has a sink that has hot and cold– You can control the water. You can control the temperature. You can control the pressure. I hate it when they take that away from us and replace it with that little sensor. So now, in addition to being a comedian, now I gotta be a magician. I’m not a magician, but if you watch me wash my hands, that’s what I look like. Nothing. Then you walk away. I feel like there’s someone behind the mirror messing with me. “Watch this.” Some places stop there. Some places keep going. I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands. I like a good soap dispenser. I like the, you know, the pump, the– I hate it when they take that away from us and then they replace it with that little spout that goes next to the faucet. You stick your hand under it, and it gives you that little booger of soap. You know what I mean? That little moco.

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

You put it under. You– You need more. So you pull it out and then go back in. But the sensor’s like, “No. It’s still you.” Now you gotta trick it, right? Once you get enough soap on your hands, you gotta try to wash it off. But you can’t wash it off then because the timer for the water has timed out. So now you have to back up and now you have to put on a second performance. Now it’s a race to get that soap off your hands. Once you get the soap off your hands, now you gotta try to dry your hands. Some places still give you a towel.

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

Some places give you paper towels. Some take the paper towels and put ’em in a box on the wall with another sensor. And there you are. Three inches of paper. Three inches, Chicago. You can’t do anything with three inches. Ask any woman. They’ll tell you. Or a guy. I’m equal opportunity. I need control of the paper. I need the crank, the– Some places stop there. Some places keep going.

The Eternal Battle Against Bathroom Sensors With Gabriel Iglesias | Netflix Is A Joke

Have you ever walked into the bathroom stall… close the door, locked it, turned around, looked at the toilet and seen a blinking red light on the wall? And you’re like, “Really? Here too?” All you’re trying to do is get the tissue paper off the wall for the toilet seat. You take one step– I haven’t even done anything. You grab the paper. Hey! You turn around and you put it on like a cape. And you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right. Just as you’re about to sit down, somebody walks into the bathroom and distracts you. "Huh?" But it’s too late. Your knees are bent. And unless you do CrossFit, you’re not coming back from that one.

Then your bare ass touches the seat… and you’re like, “Aah!” And just when you think it can’t get any worse– And all this water's splashing up, hitting you right in the ass. And then the water goes down the drain and it creates that air vortex that goes right between your legs. So now you have a tsunami in the back, you have a tornado in the front. And who’s the victim? Pikachu. And he’s holding on for dear life. You haven’t even made magic yet, and you’ve already been violated by plumbing. Now you do what you need to do. You finish. Now it’s time for clean-up, time for maintenance. So you reach over for the toilet paper. And the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that most venues, including this one, instead of putting a human-size toilet paper roll inside of the human-size toilet paper roll dispenser… they take their ass to Costco or Sam’s Club or one of these places where you buy in bulk, and they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper.

Then they come back here and they force it into that little tiny compartment… and then they close the door on it. So now this giant wheel is locked in place. You can’t even spin it. You’re just– You can’t even find where it starts because they glue it. Out of desperation you gotta pull out your car keys and cut into the side of it like a bag of cocaine on Narcos. Then you get the paper. You try to wipe. Chicago, a year from now, a year from now I am predicting that they are going to take 100% control of the restroom. You’re gonna be sitting there, and you’re gonna think of me ’cause you’re gonna see it. You’re gonna look over to get the toilet paper, and there’s gonna be a blinking red light on it. And you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Fluffy called it.” And what are you gonna have to do? One sheet. You’re gonna get frustrated and just sit on it, just– Sorry, bro.

I know that was a lot of culo I threw at you right there. She’s like, “It’s like Magic Mike.”

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As found on YouTube

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